Thursday, January 6, 2011
It's really not something I do much. Honest. Not anymore, and not with a certain vampire. I just don't keep anything from Eric, because I don't want him to keep anything from me. I told him he had to open up to me in order for our relationship to work, because I thought I was being open and honest with him.
It turns out, there are a couple things I haven't really admitted to myself, much less to him. I really never meant to keep anything from him. This just... it scares me.
I can't read vampire minds. I can't. Except I have. Twice, now. I saw Eric's when he staked Longshadow, and it was this awful snake pit of dark, twisty thoughts I wanted nothing to do with. It scared me, badly, and I knew then that if he ever found out that I saw into his head, that he'd kill me. Maybe back then he would've. Now, I trust him with my life, of course. Which is why I guess I told him last night about the experience. It sort of... came up... while we were visiting Kayden.
It turns out, Kayden's an empath. A pretty powerful one, really, though she couldn't influence my feelings last night. I'm guessing it's the same reason no one can glamor me, though if I knew why that was, life might be just that little bit less confusing. She also has fairy family, which is a pretty cool coincidence. I kind of wonder about the connection, but if nothing else, I'm really hoping she'll be able to provide me with a little guidance in the future. Really, I'm hoping she'll become a friend. She's lovely, and interesting, and easy to talk to. Eric and I had a ball visiting with her last night.
But, getting back to the point, Kayden couldn't influence or read vampires back when she was alive. She's a vampire now, of course, and she said her powers got stronger once she, well, died. I was asked if I've ever read a vampire's mind, and for the first time, I hesitated. That's so dangerous to do, especially in front of another vampire. Eric, I trust, and I hope to one day trust Kayden, but I can't hesitate like that again, in front of anyone.
I'd be drained before I hit the floor.
I didn't really read Eric's mind that time. It wasn't anything I really understood, just that... awful experience. But I have read a vampire's mind. I accidentally heard a thought from King Davis back when we visited Dallas because of the Fellowship stuff. I found out his real name, Stanislaus Davidowitz. At least that's what it used to be. Mouthful, right? He hates humans, so he's definitely one of those vampires who'd kill me if he knew. I don't think there's really any risk of me calling him Stanislaus all the sudden, I'm not even sure how someone would pronounce that, but the idea of it happening again and me reacting to something I shouldn't have heard is scary as all get out.
Eric says we can work on a way to block that stuff out, and look into why it's happening at all. Barry's the only other telepath I've ever met, though, and he's working for Stan now, I think. I'm not counting on him for help. I don't know who could help, or who we can trust with this.
Eric didn't seem mad at me for telling him, though he wasn't happy I'd kept it from him for so long. I don't blame him, but I didn't really mean to keep it from him for quite this long. At first, yeah, of course, but not once I knew he loves me. I hope it doesn't put a damper on Sweden. We leave tomorrow, and I'm darn near crawling out of my skin I'm so excited.
We meet with Queen Blackwood tonight, and that's pretty scary itself. I'm real nervous, even though she seems to like Eric a whole lot. Apparently they've known each other since he was a human, and if they've been friends over a thousand years, she's probably someone to trust.
I'll try to make him proud. I always do.