Monday, May 31, 2010

Men Troubles

This whole datin’ thing was a lot less complicated when I just wasn’t doing it.

I think Bill and I are broken up. I mean, we didn’t say it explicitly, but I did tell him not to call till he finishes this whole database project, and I don’t think he’s ever actually gonna be done with his whole database project, so I think that’s about it.

I expected to regret it more, or to wonder if I did the right thing, distancing myself, but so far, I’ve mostly just been relieved. Relieved not to have to be checkin’ my phone all the time then gettin’ disappointed when I don’t have any messages, relieved not to have to drive past his house and wonder if he’s there and why he hasn’t come by if he is, relieved not to have to worry if I’m bein’ a bad girlfriend when I get upset that I haven’t seen or heard from him in weeks at a time. I guess to feel any relief means I made the right decision, but I’m still pretty sad about it.

I love Bill. He means so much to me, and I think he always will, but it just wasn’t workin’. I honestly thought it would last longer than this. I thought I would have to deal with gettin’ older while he’d always look the same, but we never had to deal with any of those problems.

I read those letters he gave me, but they didn’t help much. It’s entirely possible that he still loves me, but saying it isn’t enough. Writing down affectionate thoughts and only givin’ ‘em to me when I get mad is not any way to conduct a relationship, and neither is arguin’ every minute we’re together, which we’re both guilty of. He said I was practically lookin’ for things to argue with him over, which isn’t true, but I guess I couldn’t figure out how to let all our issues go. Not talkin’ about them didn’t make them go away, and when I’d try to talk about them, he’d get mad that I hadn’t just accepted his apologies and moved on, or get mad I brought it up “again”. It’s not bringin’ it up again if he’s makin’ the same mistakes over and over without even tryin’ to help things get better though.

I’m gettin’ upset just thinkin’ about it. I’m not sure if I’ll see Bill when I get back to Bon Temps or not. I wasn’t seein’ him much when we were datin’, I can’t imagine seein’ him much more now that we’re not. It’s kind of exhaustin’ to think about.

Then there’s Eric. I don’t even know where to start. He’s… incorrigible. I don’t know what to do to make him stop makin’ all these advances. He actually kissed me the other night! The nerve of that vampire. I can’t even imagine how he decided that would be welcome. And after that mess of a car ride, too. Then he comes to tell me about how I’ll be helpin’ listen to this crime family an’ whatnot, and he starts in all flirty. I don’t know what to do about it.

On the one hand, who isn’t attracted to Eric? Let’s be honest. That’s never actually been an issue. He is one beautiful man. I just wish he weren’t so aware of it. Beyond that, he’s funny, and he can say some truly insightful things, but that’s only when he’s not being a complete ass. He’s nearly impossible to tolerate, most of the time, and that’s certainly not the type of man I want to be with. He doesn’t get why I won’t just sleep with him, which wouldn’t be an issue, except it’s easy to forget my own scruples when he’s gettin’ all inappropriately handsy.

But I don’t just want to “have fun” with Eric. I’ve never been the easy type, and I certainly don’t want to start that now. Bill and I just finished our relationship, and I’m not even close to over that. The timing is awful, and anyway, Eric’s not my type. Well, maybe physically he could be, but everything else, I just don’t need. I want to be further away from vampire politics, not more involved, and Eric is definitely more involved. He comes with a whole list of complications I just don’t need, not to mention some pretty scary vampire kids who might just claw my eyes out if I get too close.

… I wonder how a girl would go about becomin’ a nun…