Friday, September 6, 2013
So, I didn't go to @BarWithABite tonight. @SheriffNorthman's there right now, in fact, but I just wasn't up for it. Explaining it to Eric's always a bit humbling, but I'd be hard-pressed to find a more understanding vampire. I love being with him as much as possible and I know me being there has a soothing effect on him but, some nights it's all I can do to soothe myself when I'm there.
Everyone thinks I have my telepathy issues under control and, for the most part, I do. It's not so bad anymore, especially now that I'm so deeply connected to Eric. He's like a rock for me, when everyone else's thoughts come crashing into my head. I can just anchor myself to him and I don't get so lost. That doesn't mean it's not overwhelming at times, though.
Usually @Merlottes_BT isn't so bad. I'm focused enough on my job that it's not hard to block everything else out and I almost always work days, which are never terribly busy. Eric wonders why I still work there at all, but that's some musing for another time. Point is, it's not so loud inside my head at Merlotte's anymore. It has such a supernatural draw these days anyway that there are days I only see a handful of full-blooded humans. Such a change from years ago, but people've mostly adjusted now. It has been about half a dozen years since vampires came out of the coffin. I think people are adjusting pretty well, all things considered. You know, mostly.
Merlotte's isn't bad and being out in public isn't bad or anything. I've had plenty of practice controlling all that. I prefer small crowds, but even the larger ones, people are mostly so focused on themselves that they're not projecting or even thinking too much. I'm not saying crowds are my thing or anything like that, but it's a process.
Fangtasia's my toughest spot. You'd think that with that many vampires it'd be nice and quiet, but definitely not. People's thoughts just scream at me in there. Even with all I've been training over the years, and there has been a lot of training and practice, it's still rough for me. The thoughts are loud and vulgar and overwhelmingly strong, and I have Eric's feelings from the bond to process on top of that. Being with Eric makes it better, especially when I can stay in physical contact with him, but that's not always possible, and it's not always possible to hide back in his office. I can always get a private booth, even when it's busy, but that's not much protection from the onslaught.
Really, most nights I can take it, but some nights like tonight, I just don't have the energy. Telepathy's not a switch I can turn on and off. It's a struggle all the time. I draw strength from my bond with Eric and I'm pretty good at blocking most stuff out, but it takes more focus than I have on nights like these.
I'm worried about this whole @PrinceVladTepes situation, and I can tell Eric is too. @BrierFerrior is too, and I can't even block out his thoughts sometimes. I know @BrookeFerrior isn't pleased with him being involved in this mess, and I can't blame her. Not that it looks like I'll ever have kids of my own, but if I were ever pregnant, I think I'd be worried sick about my husband charging into such a dangerous situation. As it is, I'm scared for Eric. I've watched as the Prince almost tore his head from his body. I'd die before I'd let that happen to him again, or let anything else happen to him for that matter. I can't help but think of how much everyone has to lose in this. That kind of thinking can throw a telepath's focus off real easy.
So I avoided it tonight. Maybe it was cowardly and maybe I was hiding, or maybe I saved Eric the stress of seeing me struggle for control over my own thoughts but, especially on such a busy Friday night, I just wouldn't be able to take it. Last thing anyone needs is me causing some sorta scene, anyway.
I can't wait for Eric to get home, though. I can't wait to hold him in my arms and comfort him, because I know he has the same fears I do. We're both worried not everyone will make it through this and that the wrong people will die. I can't wait to take his mind off some of those concerns, even though I share them. We find solace in each other, and if I can give my bonded even a bit of that since my nerves haven't been frayed from a night spent fending off other people's thoughts, it'll be worth not having spent the night at his side... almost.