Thursday, October 3, 2013
By now, I'm completely used to people not understanding me. @SheriffNorthman's just usually not one of those people.
He's always been the one who gets me. Even before we started dating, I always had the impression that he understood me better than Bill did. I wasn't wrong, in the end. We've always clicked that way. But I guess feeling powerless isn't something he'd understand at this stage in his unlife. He might remember, but he doesn't understand. Not anymore.
I don't think @VampyJo did either, when I was trying to explain why @BrierFerrior's death got to me so much. I'm not sure @BrookeFerrior did either when I was trying to apologize for the whole thing. Oh, no one blames me, and everyone's been sweet as can be, and I'm sure as understanding as can be, but... Brooke grew up a were-panther and JoAnna's a vampire. I'm not exactly a normal human, but I am very, very human.
Except for the part where I'm not. That tiny12.5% of me that's really not human at all. I guess that's the part of me that rails against this feeling of helplessness. Fairies aren't exactly helpless, after all. I saw that for myself during the battle. @ClaudeCrane and @MermaidKendra took down vampires with ease. Yeah, they seemed exhausted after, but they were scary as heck. I was seriously impressed, not to mention, a little jealous. I'd had no idea my cousin could do that. Of course, he told me, but being told doesn't come close to seeing it for my own eyes, and he didn't even look like he was trying that hard. They both made it look easy.
Since it's that 12.5% of me that no one seemed to be getting, I decided to talk to Claude about it. We've been talking a lot about our family and fairies anyway. It's kind of sad how little I knew about them and, I guess, myself. He told me about @SkyPrinceNiall, as much as I was ready to hear, anyway, and a tiny bit about Fintan that I hadn't known: just how old he was. Fintan was five or six hundred years old when he was murdered. Five or six hundred. And he wasn't even fully fairy. I can't say that didn't catch my interest.
The ability to captivate rooms, to influence or change opinions, to get energy from attention instead of hating it, the ability to manipulate air? Poof? Possibly more? I can't say I'm tempted by power often. I hid from it most of my life. I'm still trying not to hide from my own gift and I'm just learning about my own supernatural heritage, but I've watched more than one of my friends die, permanently or otherwise. I've lost people I love dearly. I've stood in the middle of battles and had absolutely nothing to contribute. I've been shot, stabbed, clawed, chased, gouged, sliced, and diced in too many ways to count. And you know what? I'm tired of not being able to help. I've always fought. I've never shied away from a battle since the moments vampires came out of the coffin and I became irrevocably involved with them, and I've come out okay each time. I've been really lucky that way. I want to be more than lucky, though. I want to be able to fight back with more than a knife or a gun or a shovel or whatever the heck is hanging around.
So I guess that's where Faery comes in. If I want to manifest any gifts I might have, if I want to become more fae, that's where I go. With Claude, obviously. There are complications to it, of course. I guess the perks of being more than 12.5% fairy come with sacrifice, but I never expected the sacrifice to be my bond with Eric.
From what I know, from what Eric said, it wouldn't be permanent. It'd be painful. It'd feel like his death for me, my death for him. I don't want that for either of us. We wouldn't be able to feel each other. He couldn't do anything to protect me. It's an entirely different world. There'd be absolutely no connection at all, and it'd be painful. Like losing a part of myself. I hate the idea so much, but I can't see another option.
Eric hates it too. He doesn't trust Claude like I do. I trust Claude with my life, obviously, but I doubt Eric will ever feel the same. He hates the idea. He's so angry with me for suggesting it. He won't stop me, though, because that's not who he is. He respects me more than that, always, and it makes me hate hurting him even more. But what if it were his existence on the line? What if I could protect him? It's not like it hasn't happened before. And what if it really could let me live longer? Actually live, be alive, without having to be turned? I love being alive and I know Eric loves that I'm alive. I don't want that to change anytime remotely soon. Even a normal, human lifespan wouldn't be enough to share with him. That's selfish. It's all selfish. Eric's told me so repeatedly. Maybe, this one time, I don't care though. Maybe, just this once, for us, I can be selfish.
Now it's just a matter of deciding when to go. Claude's officially the family member I'm closest to. I don't think @HorndogJason even knows I'm in New Orleans unless he stopped by for food. Even then, he'd just assume I'm in Shreveport. I don't want him to worry, though, and he's still so uncomfortable with the supernatural. He'll really get a kick out of me being more fairy-- not that he knows we're fae at all.
Claude's on his honeymoon (I don't ask.) and we're still doing stuff in NOLA, and I know there's some job Eric wants me to do when we get back, but it really does feel like the right decision. I just hope Eric will agree before I go. I also hope I'm not terribly, terribly wrong on this one...