Another Woman

I think most women would hate if their husband slept with someone else.

I tried to hate it a while ago when Eric would still visit Bianca’s bed. I certainly didn’t care much for her for throwing it back in my face. I’m still fairly certain she’ll kill me one day to have him back, but that bitch, excuse my language, is a piece of work.

So when Eric had sex with Pam for the first time since we’ve been married, it took me a bit to decide how I felt about it.

I know. Of course, I know. And he knows I know. He’d admit it if I asked him, but why bother?

I was upset about it at first. At least, in theory. Eric with someone else made my blood boil, honestly. But when I calmed down and really got to think about it, to consider that it was Pam we were talking about here… I couldn’t really be angry.

Pam and Eric’s relationship… it’s beautiful. It’s more complex than a friendship. They’re… like the perfect Maker and Child. I know how proud he is of her; I can feel it. I can feel everything he feels for her, and that’s why I know it wasn’t about the sex. Eric is mine just as much as I’m his, and vampires love that word a whole awful lot.

I guess that’s why I’m not angry. It wasn’t about the sex. It was never about sex. It was about closeness and comfort and reassurance and reenforcing their bond. How could I be mad about that? They’re vampires, and a relationship between a vampire and his child can be incredibly complicated. Eric loves and trusts Pam. Pam loves and trusts Eric. I love and trust both of them, though very, very differently.

So, even though I know I’m supposed to hate Pam now or whatever, all I want, what I desperately want, is for her to heal and get better so I can give her a big hug and go track down that creepy ginger witch for the last time.

Powerless

I don't think I've ever felt so powerless as I did last night.

Watching the battle against @PrinceVladTepes unfold around me while being unable to actually do anything myself was awful beyond words. I was surrounded by vampires, fairies, and a were, all faster, stronger, and far more powerful than myself, and the difference was nearly tangible to me.

I almost felt useful earlier in the day, too. When I identified all those Weres coming toward us long before they actually got near us, I felt like I was putting my gift to good use. Like I'd helped in a way only I could've. But really, I couldn't even get a clear read on them. They could've been anyone.

And then to be stuck at @RomanLucious', @ClaudeCrane's, and @MermaidKendra's hideout with @BrierFerrior and nothing to contribute and no way to get a message to @SheriffNorthman before sunset, I felt pretty helpless. That bothered me slightly less, though, because no one could do anything at that point. Claude needed to save his strength, not be pooling all around, and anything the rest of us did would've only given away the location. So, even though there was really nothing I could do, at least we were all in the same boat.

It was once I was inside The Prince's estate, sealed in by @WitchyHannah and @JadeChiara_ that I felt really powerless. Not against @DakotaARyan, of course. I probably could've taken her. But even she was a seriously costly distraction. With her making petty little threats at me and Brier while Roman and The Prince were bantering, I couldn't keep track of their conversation. I couldn't hear Vlad decide to kill me first. I couldn't prepare to defend myself.

That's pretty foolish thinking, though, isn't it? That I would've stood a chance of defending myself? Even with a silver dagger in each hand, I would've just annoyed him while he was ripping my head off. Even with vampire blood in me, I can't match their strength or speed, or even their senses. I could hardly see him coming. And even being part fairy, I don't have their powers. I didn't even know they had the powers they showed last night! So that left me, the human. Telepathy's not such a good weapon after all when you have The Prince of Darkness trying to kill you.

I'd be dead if it weren't for Brier. I say that with absolutely no exaggeration. He saved my life, and I am so grateful. There's no way, supernatural human or not, that I would have survived that hit from Dracula. In the end, even Brier didn't survive it, and he's so much stronger than I am. And had Roman not grabbed me out of the way, I probably would've been killed next, before I even knew what was happening. Sometimes I think I forget just how fast vampires are, and how deadly.

I was out of the fight after that, not that I could honestly say I was ever actually in it. The only reason I bled at all was because Dracula actually threw Roman at me. I was too focused on trying to keep Brier alive to even see him coming, but I came out of that with a pretty bad gash down my face and a pretty nasty accidental bite from Roman. That was hard to get up from, but Brier was fading, so I tried CPR. I didn't know what else to do. It gave him a few minutes, I think. I don't remember how long we went on for. It felt like eternity, as cliche as that sounds, but the idea of losing your friend after he'd just saved you… You can't imagine. I think I bled on him more than I actually helped, though. He kept choking on blood and, honestly, so did I. I don't know whose it was, probably both, but I kept trying.

By the time it was over and Roman had staked Vlad, Claude had set him on fire with lightening, Roman had drained a good deal of his blood, and Kendra had done some terrifying fae magic that ripped all the blood from his body, Brier was so close to gone, I'd almost given up. That was when the witches must've broken their circle, cause within moments, Eric was by my side. He assessed the situation, asked what happened, and started feeding his blood to Brier. I wasn't expecting it, but it didn't come as a surprise either. I can feel what Eric feels through the bond and, even if it was all jumbley, he didn't want Brier permanently dead. I didn't object, not that it would've been my place to, but I don't think Brier would've wanted to be permanently dead either. He was far too much a part of the vampire world to object to becoming one, I think. Maybe I'm wrong, but I hope not.

I don't know what comes next, for any of us. We have Dracula locked in a coffin, we're still in New Orleans, Brier will be dead for the next couple days and then a vampire, the fairies seemed pretty well tapped out. Someone has to tell @BrookeFerrior what happened. Her husband died saving me, so I should probably be the one to do that, but I want to check with Eric first, see what he says. @VampyJo and @WerepireLucian have their kids to get home to also, and that's just the basics. We don't know what the fallout from this will be. Roman apparently has a long-lost brother to catch up with, even if I'm not sure I actually trust @JulianAjax_, given how fast he switched sides. I owe my own brother a call too, since I never got around to that, but as far as family goes, I think I need to dig a bit deeper.

After my recent discussions with Claude about our family and after having met @SkyPrinceNiall, I'm actually considering Claude's advice to visit faery. Eric would hate it, I know that already, but Claude said that's the only way my powers are really going to grow. Maybe embracing that part of me, like I've started embracing my telepathy, isn't a bad idea.

I felt powerless last night. A good friend died to protect me when I couldn't protect myself. I don't know what it'll take, but I never want to be that powerless again.

Call It Hiding

So, I didn't go to @BarWithABite tonight. @SheriffNorthman's there right now, in fact, but I just wasn't up for it. Explaining it to Eric's always a bit humbling, but I'd be hard-pressed to find a more understanding vampire. I love being with him as much as possible and I know me being there has a soothing effect on him but, some nights it's all I can do to soothe myself when I'm there.

Everyone thinks I have my telepathy issues under control and, for the most part, I do. It's not so bad anymore, especially now that I'm so deeply connected to Eric. He's like a rock for me, when everyone else's thoughts come crashing into my head. I can just anchor myself to him and I don't get so lost. That doesn't mean it's not overwhelming at times, though.

Usually @Merlottes_BT isn't so bad. I'm focused enough on my job that it's not hard to block everything else out and I almost always work days, which are never terribly busy. Eric wonders why I still work there at all, but that's some musing for another time. Point is, it's not so loud inside my head at Merlotte's anymore. It has such a supernatural draw these days anyway that there are days I only see a handful of full-blooded humans. Such a change from years ago, but people've mostly adjusted now. It has been about half a dozen years since vampires came out of the coffin. I think people are adjusting pretty well, all things considered. You know, mostly.

Merlotte's isn't bad and being out in public isn't bad or anything. I've had plenty of practice controlling all that. I prefer small crowds, but even the larger ones, people are mostly so focused on themselves that they're not projecting or even thinking too much. I'm not saying crowds are my thing or anything like that, but it's a process.

Fangtasia's my toughest spot. You'd think that with that many vampires it'd be nice and quiet, but definitely not. People's thoughts just scream at me in there. Even with all I've been training over the years, and there has been a lot of training and practice, it's still rough for me. The thoughts are loud and vulgar and overwhelmingly strong, and I have Eric's feelings from the bond to process on top of that. Being with Eric makes it better, especially when I can stay in physical contact with him, but that's not always possible, and it's not always possible to hide back in his office. I can always get a private booth, even when it's busy, but that's not much protection from the onslaught.

Really, most nights I can take it, but some nights like tonight, I just don't have the energy. Telepathy's not a switch I can turn on and off. It's a struggle all the time. I draw strength from my bond with Eric and I'm pretty good at blocking most stuff out, but it takes more focus than I have on nights like these.

I'm worried about this whole @PrinceVladTepes situation, and I can tell Eric is too. @BrierFerrior is too, and I can't even block out his thoughts sometimes. I know @BrookeFerrior isn't pleased with him being involved in this mess, and I can't blame her. Not that it looks like I'll ever have kids of my own, but if I were ever pregnant, I think I'd be worried sick about my husband charging into such a dangerous situation. As it is, I'm scared for Eric. I've watched as the Prince almost tore his head from his body. I'd die before I'd let that happen to him again, or let anything else happen to him for that matter. I can't help but think of how much everyone has to lose in this. That kind of thinking can throw a telepath's focus off real easy.

So I avoided it tonight. Maybe it was cowardly and maybe I was hiding, or maybe I saved Eric the stress of seeing me struggle for control over my own thoughts but, especially on such a busy Friday night, I just wouldn't be able to take it. Last thing anyone needs is me causing some sorta scene, anyway.

I can't wait for Eric to get home, though. I can't wait to hold him in my arms and comfort him, because I know he has the same fears I do. We're both worried not everyone will make it through this and that the wrong people will die. I can't wait to take his mind off some of those concerns, even though I share them. We find solace in each other, and if I can give my bonded even a bit of that since my nerves haven't been frayed from a night spent fending off other people's thoughts, it'll be worth not having spent the night at his side... almost.