Selfish

By now, I'm completely used to people not understanding me. @SheriffNorthman's just usually not one of those people.

He's always been the one who gets me. Even before we started dating, I always had the impression that he understood me better than Bill did. I wasn't wrong, in the end. We've always clicked that way. But I guess feeling powerless isn't something he'd understand at this stage in his unlife. He might remember, but he doesn't understand. Not anymore.

I don't think @VampyJo did either, when I was trying to explain why @BrierFerrior's death got to me so much. I'm not sure @BrookeFerrior did either when I was trying to apologize for the whole thing. Oh, no one blames me, and everyone's been sweet as can be, and I'm sure as understanding as can be, but... Brooke grew up a were-panther and JoAnna's a vampire. I'm not exactly a normal human, but I am very, very human.

Except for the part where I'm not. That tiny12.5% of me that's really not human at all. I guess that's the part of me that rails against this feeling of helplessness. Fairies aren't exactly helpless, after all. I saw that for myself during the battle. @ClaudeCrane and @MermaidKendra took down vampires with ease. Yeah, they seemed exhausted after, but they were scary as heck. I was seriously impressed, not to mention, a little jealous. I'd had no idea my cousin could do that. Of course, he told me, but being told doesn't come close to seeing it for my own eyes, and he didn't even look like he was trying that hard. They both made it look easy.

Since it's that 12.5% of me that no one seemed to be getting, I decided to talk to Claude about it. We've been talking a lot about our family and fairies anyway. It's kind of sad how little I knew about them and, I guess, myself. He told me about @SkyPrinceNiall, as much as I was ready to hear, anyway, and a tiny bit about Fintan that I hadn't known: just how old he was. Fintan was five or six hundred years old when he was murdered. Five or six hundred. And he wasn't even fully fairy. I can't say that didn't catch my interest.

The ability to captivate rooms, to influence or change opinions, to get energy from attention instead of hating it, the ability to manipulate air? Poof? Possibly more? I can't say I'm tempted by power often. I hid from it most of my life. I'm still trying not to hide from my own gift and I'm just learning about my own supernatural heritage, but I've watched more than one of my friends die, permanently or otherwise. I've lost people I love dearly. I've stood in the middle of battles and had absolutely nothing to contribute. I've been shot, stabbed, clawed, chased, gouged, sliced, and diced in too many ways to count. And you know what? I'm tired of not being able to help. I've always fought. I've never shied away from a battle since the moments vampires came out of the coffin and I became irrevocably involved with them, and I've come out okay each time. I've been really lucky that way. I want to be more than lucky, though. I want to be able to fight back with more than a knife or a gun or a shovel or whatever the heck is hanging around.

So I guess that's where Faery comes in. If I want to manifest any gifts I might have, if I want to become more fae, that's where I go. With Claude, obviously. There are complications to it, of course. I guess the perks of being more than 12.5% fairy come with sacrifice, but I never expected the sacrifice to be my bond with Eric.

From what I know, from what Eric said, it wouldn't be permanent. It'd be painful. It'd feel like his death for me, my death for him. I don't want that for either of us. We wouldn't be able to feel each other. He couldn't do anything to protect me. It's an entirely different world. There'd be absolutely no connection at all, and it'd be painful. Like losing a part of myself. I hate the idea so much, but I can't see another option.

Eric hates it too. He doesn't trust Claude like I do. I trust Claude with my life, obviously, but I doubt Eric will ever feel the same. He hates the idea. He's so angry with me for suggesting it. He won't stop me, though, because that's not who he is. He respects me more than that, always, and it makes me hate hurting him even more. But what if it were his existence on the line? What if I could protect him? It's not like it hasn't happened before. And what if it really could let me live longer? Actually live, be alive, without having to be turned? I love being alive and I know Eric loves that I'm alive. I don't want that to change anytime remotely soon. Even a normal, human lifespan wouldn't be enough to share with him. That's selfish. It's all selfish. Eric's told me so repeatedly. Maybe, this one time, I don't care though. Maybe, just this once, for us, I can be selfish.

Now it's just a matter of deciding when to go. Claude's officially the family member I'm closest to. I don't think @HorndogJason even knows I'm in New Orleans unless he stopped by for food. Even then, he'd just assume I'm in Shreveport. I don't want him to worry, though, and he's still so uncomfortable with the supernatural. He'll really get a kick out of me being more fairy-- not that he knows we're fae at all.

Claude's on his honeymoon (I don't ask.) and we're still doing stuff in NOLA, and I know there's some job Eric wants me to do when we get back, but it really does feel like the right decision. I just hope Eric will agree before I go. I also hope I'm not terribly, terribly wrong on this one...

Powerless

I don't think I've ever felt so powerless as I did last night.

Watching the battle against @PrinceVladTepes unfold around me while being unable to actually do anything myself was awful beyond words. I was surrounded by vampires, fairies, and a were, all faster, stronger, and far more powerful than myself, and the difference was nearly tangible to me.

I almost felt useful earlier in the day, too. When I identified all those Weres coming toward us long before they actually got near us, I felt like I was putting my gift to good use. Like I'd helped in a way only I could've. But really, I couldn't even get a clear read on them. They could've been anyone.

And then to be stuck at @RomanLucious', @ClaudeCrane's, and @MermaidKendra's hideout with @BrierFerrior and nothing to contribute and no way to get a message to @SheriffNorthman before sunset, I felt pretty helpless. That bothered me slightly less, though, because no one could do anything at that point. Claude needed to save his strength, not be pooling all around, and anything the rest of us did would've only given away the location. So, even though there was really nothing I could do, at least we were all in the same boat.

It was once I was inside The Prince's estate, sealed in by @WitchyHannah and @JadeChiara_ that I felt really powerless. Not against @DakotaARyan, of course. I probably could've taken her. But even she was a seriously costly distraction. With her making petty little threats at me and Brier while Roman and The Prince were bantering, I couldn't keep track of their conversation. I couldn't hear Vlad decide to kill me first. I couldn't prepare to defend myself.

That's pretty foolish thinking, though, isn't it? That I would've stood a chance of defending myself? Even with a silver dagger in each hand, I would've just annoyed him while he was ripping my head off. Even with vampire blood in me, I can't match their strength or speed, or even their senses. I could hardly see him coming. And even being part fairy, I don't have their powers. I didn't even know they had the powers they showed last night! So that left me, the human. Telepathy's not such a good weapon after all when you have The Prince of Darkness trying to kill you.

I'd be dead if it weren't for Brier. I say that with absolutely no exaggeration. He saved my life, and I am so grateful. There's no way, supernatural human or not, that I would have survived that hit from Dracula. In the end, even Brier didn't survive it, and he's so much stronger than I am. And had Roman not grabbed me out of the way, I probably would've been killed next, before I even knew what was happening. Sometimes I think I forget just how fast vampires are, and how deadly.

I was out of the fight after that, not that I could honestly say I was ever actually in it. The only reason I bled at all was because Dracula actually threw Roman at me. I was too focused on trying to keep Brier alive to even see him coming, but I came out of that with a pretty bad gash down my face and a pretty nasty accidental bite from Roman. That was hard to get up from, but Brier was fading, so I tried CPR. I didn't know what else to do. It gave him a few minutes, I think. I don't remember how long we went on for. It felt like eternity, as cliche as that sounds, but the idea of losing your friend after he'd just saved you… You can't imagine. I think I bled on him more than I actually helped, though. He kept choking on blood and, honestly, so did I. I don't know whose it was, probably both, but I kept trying.

By the time it was over and Roman had staked Vlad, Claude had set him on fire with lightening, Roman had drained a good deal of his blood, and Kendra had done some terrifying fae magic that ripped all the blood from his body, Brier was so close to gone, I'd almost given up. That was when the witches must've broken their circle, cause within moments, Eric was by my side. He assessed the situation, asked what happened, and started feeding his blood to Brier. I wasn't expecting it, but it didn't come as a surprise either. I can feel what Eric feels through the bond and, even if it was all jumbley, he didn't want Brier permanently dead. I didn't object, not that it would've been my place to, but I don't think Brier would've wanted to be permanently dead either. He was far too much a part of the vampire world to object to becoming one, I think. Maybe I'm wrong, but I hope not.

I don't know what comes next, for any of us. We have Dracula locked in a coffin, we're still in New Orleans, Brier will be dead for the next couple days and then a vampire, the fairies seemed pretty well tapped out. Someone has to tell @BrookeFerrior what happened. Her husband died saving me, so I should probably be the one to do that, but I want to check with Eric first, see what he says. @VampyJo and @WerepireLucian have their kids to get home to also, and that's just the basics. We don't know what the fallout from this will be. Roman apparently has a long-lost brother to catch up with, even if I'm not sure I actually trust @JulianAjax_, given how fast he switched sides. I owe my own brother a call too, since I never got around to that, but as far as family goes, I think I need to dig a bit deeper.

After my recent discussions with Claude about our family and after having met @SkyPrinceNiall, I'm actually considering Claude's advice to visit faery. Eric would hate it, I know that already, but Claude said that's the only way my powers are really going to grow. Maybe embracing that part of me, like I've started embracing my telepathy, isn't a bad idea.

I felt powerless last night. A good friend died to protect me when I couldn't protect myself. I don't know what it'll take, but I never want to be that powerless again.

The Unexpected Wedding

@ClaudeCrane and @RomanLucious got married.

It seems all anyone can talk about lately, even if no one actually seems to know much about it.

Supposedly, Claude tricked Roman into marrying him. I wouldn't entirely put it past my cousin, under most circumstances. I love him, but fairies are tricky, and their moral code is way different than a human's... or even a vampire's, for that matter. Roman doesn't seem to remember anything about it, when anyone can find him to ask him about it. @SheriffNorthman says he's barely showing up for work, and I know he's been trying to get a hold of Roman for a while regarding a package that was left at @BarWithABite. Story for another time.

Anyway, normally I'd believe everyone about the tricking, but... I don't. See, even though Claude's had a thing for Roman for years now, my cousin just seems... miserable. @VampyJo and I have been trying to plan some sort of wedding celebration because Claude's my family and Roman's practically hers, but neither man seems very interested. Normally, I'd expect Claude to be over the moon about this sort of thing, but he just seems... down. Maybe even depressed? He hides it well, but he confided in me a bit. Things aren't anything like I guess he hoped they'd be.

No one's surprised they're not having sex. I mean, no one who knows Roman, at least, though I think some people figure that if Claude could get Roman to marry him, he could get him to do anything. Thing is, I don't think my cousin's really excited about all this. There's an undercurrent of something I just can't put my finger on. It really is a shame telepathy doesn't work so well on fairies and not at all on vampires. Never thought I'd say that, but in this case, it's true. There's something else going on there, and it worries me. Of course, with @PrinceVladTepes to worry about, it's hard to be concerned about much else, but family's always gonna be a priority to me and, like it or not, Claude's my family. I just hope he can find a way to be happy.