Another Woman

I think most women would hate if their husband slept with someone else.

I tried to hate it a while ago when Eric would still visit Bianca’s bed. I certainly didn’t care much for her for throwing it back in my face. I’m still fairly certain she’ll kill me one day to have him back, but that bitch, excuse my language, is a piece of work.

So when Eric had sex with Pam for the first time since we’ve been married, it took me a bit to decide how I felt about it.

I know. Of course, I know. And he knows I know. He’d admit it if I asked him, but why bother?

I was upset about it at first. At least, in theory. Eric with someone else made my blood boil, honestly. But when I calmed down and really got to think about it, to consider that it was Pam we were talking about here… I couldn’t really be angry.

Pam and Eric’s relationship… it’s beautiful. It’s more complex than a friendship. They’re… like the perfect Maker and Child. I know how proud he is of her; I can feel it. I can feel everything he feels for her, and that’s why I know it wasn’t about the sex. Eric is mine just as much as I’m his, and vampires love that word a whole awful lot.

I guess that’s why I’m not angry. It wasn’t about the sex. It was never about sex. It was about closeness and comfort and reassurance and reenforcing their bond. How could I be mad about that? They’re vampires, and a relationship between a vampire and his child can be incredibly complicated. Eric loves and trusts Pam. Pam loves and trusts Eric. I love and trust both of them, though very, very differently.

So, even though I know I’m supposed to hate Pam now or whatever, all I want, what I desperately want, is for her to heal and get better so I can give her a big hug and go track down that creepy ginger witch for the last time.

Stranger Danger

I had my first official job as a Supernatural Consultant last night. I wish I could be happy about it, but the circumstances were just too awful. I'm still counting it as my first job, since I got to be helpful, even though I wouldn't accept payment.

Someone's threatening @WereLily. Pictures of her playing on the playground at school were delivered to @BarWithABite, covered in blood. @SheriffNorthman's blood, to be exact. How sick is that? Apparently they were delivered sometime during the trip to NOLA, but Eric didn't mention it. I'm annoyed that he didn't, but I kind of get why he'd want to keep something like this contained. @VampyJo must have been flipping out the entire time. I know I would have been. I guess that's why @WerepireLucian left a little early. I'm glad he went home to protect her.

@BiancaNorthman was able to catch the man who delivered the photographs to Fangtasia. She kept him in the basement and obviously beat him up. It's awful that I can tell it was her and not Chow or Pam, just by what was done. I don't like that there's so much violence or that I'm getting so familiar with each vamipre's signature, but I guess I can't really blame her for beating the guy up when she saw the pictures. If they were sent to me, I'd probably want to hurt someone too.

The basement/dungeon of Fangtasia isn't really a fate I'd wish on anyone, though, especially since the guy was just the messenger. Apparently our vampires haven't heard the saying about messengers, though, because Eric definitely had him killed after I read his mind. The man was a V-addict with dangerous connections, so I guess it's for the best, but that part of me that argued with Eric that all life is special still rails against the thought. 

I was able to read some thoughts from the man's mind, though it didn't go completely smoothly because he was so damaged from all the drugs. Eric took Bianca to look into the lead I dug up, but he came home just before dawn and in no mood to talk, so I didn't get to ask him about it. Judging by the mood, I think it's safe to guess they didn't catch the "red man" they were looking for. I hope they do soon, before he can hurt Lily or anyone else.

I wonder what it says about me that I didn't even try to save the addict's life last night. I hid behind the idea that Eric would honor our deal and not kill the man, and I'm sure he didn't, but I'm equally sure that the man is dead and will never be found. I didn't speak a word in protest, and I won't ask about it or try to lecture him or anything. Being bonded to Eric as long as I have, I understand that he truly believes this was part of eliminating a threat to his family. I can't really argue with that. V-addicts can be extremely dangerous, and this particular one was being used by an even more dangerous man, but I really wish there was an alternative to killing him.

I think believing that all life is special is part of being human. It's something I truly believe, so why didn't I protest when I knew Eric would have his prisoner killed? Why am I not more upset with the idea that they'll kill this "red man" when they find him? A threat to Lily is a threat to our family, so does that mean I'm okay with killing to protect it? Does that make me any less human if I am? And if I don't have my humanity, then what am I?

Selfish

By now, I'm completely used to people not understanding me. @SheriffNorthman's just usually not one of those people.

He's always been the one who gets me. Even before we started dating, I always had the impression that he understood me better than Bill did. I wasn't wrong, in the end. We've always clicked that way. But I guess feeling powerless isn't something he'd understand at this stage in his unlife. He might remember, but he doesn't understand. Not anymore.

I don't think @VampyJo did either, when I was trying to explain why @BrierFerrior's death got to me so much. I'm not sure @BrookeFerrior did either when I was trying to apologize for the whole thing. Oh, no one blames me, and everyone's been sweet as can be, and I'm sure as understanding as can be, but... Brooke grew up a were-panther and JoAnna's a vampire. I'm not exactly a normal human, but I am very, very human.

Except for the part where I'm not. That tiny12.5% of me that's really not human at all. I guess that's the part of me that rails against this feeling of helplessness. Fairies aren't exactly helpless, after all. I saw that for myself during the battle. @ClaudeCrane and @MermaidKendra took down vampires with ease. Yeah, they seemed exhausted after, but they were scary as heck. I was seriously impressed, not to mention, a little jealous. I'd had no idea my cousin could do that. Of course, he told me, but being told doesn't come close to seeing it for my own eyes, and he didn't even look like he was trying that hard. They both made it look easy.

Since it's that 12.5% of me that no one seemed to be getting, I decided to talk to Claude about it. We've been talking a lot about our family and fairies anyway. It's kind of sad how little I knew about them and, I guess, myself. He told me about @SkyPrinceNiall, as much as I was ready to hear, anyway, and a tiny bit about Fintan that I hadn't known: just how old he was. Fintan was five or six hundred years old when he was murdered. Five or six hundred. And he wasn't even fully fairy. I can't say that didn't catch my interest.

The ability to captivate rooms, to influence or change opinions, to get energy from attention instead of hating it, the ability to manipulate air? Poof? Possibly more? I can't say I'm tempted by power often. I hid from it most of my life. I'm still trying not to hide from my own gift and I'm just learning about my own supernatural heritage, but I've watched more than one of my friends die, permanently or otherwise. I've lost people I love dearly. I've stood in the middle of battles and had absolutely nothing to contribute. I've been shot, stabbed, clawed, chased, gouged, sliced, and diced in too many ways to count. And you know what? I'm tired of not being able to help. I've always fought. I've never shied away from a battle since the moments vampires came out of the coffin and I became irrevocably involved with them, and I've come out okay each time. I've been really lucky that way. I want to be more than lucky, though. I want to be able to fight back with more than a knife or a gun or a shovel or whatever the heck is hanging around.

So I guess that's where Faery comes in. If I want to manifest any gifts I might have, if I want to become more fae, that's where I go. With Claude, obviously. There are complications to it, of course. I guess the perks of being more than 12.5% fairy come with sacrifice, but I never expected the sacrifice to be my bond with Eric.

From what I know, from what Eric said, it wouldn't be permanent. It'd be painful. It'd feel like his death for me, my death for him. I don't want that for either of us. We wouldn't be able to feel each other. He couldn't do anything to protect me. It's an entirely different world. There'd be absolutely no connection at all, and it'd be painful. Like losing a part of myself. I hate the idea so much, but I can't see another option.

Eric hates it too. He doesn't trust Claude like I do. I trust Claude with my life, obviously, but I doubt Eric will ever feel the same. He hates the idea. He's so angry with me for suggesting it. He won't stop me, though, because that's not who he is. He respects me more than that, always, and it makes me hate hurting him even more. But what if it were his existence on the line? What if I could protect him? It's not like it hasn't happened before. And what if it really could let me live longer? Actually live, be alive, without having to be turned? I love being alive and I know Eric loves that I'm alive. I don't want that to change anytime remotely soon. Even a normal, human lifespan wouldn't be enough to share with him. That's selfish. It's all selfish. Eric's told me so repeatedly. Maybe, this one time, I don't care though. Maybe, just this once, for us, I can be selfish.

Now it's just a matter of deciding when to go. Claude's officially the family member I'm closest to. I don't think @HorndogJason even knows I'm in New Orleans unless he stopped by for food. Even then, he'd just assume I'm in Shreveport. I don't want him to worry, though, and he's still so uncomfortable with the supernatural. He'll really get a kick out of me being more fairy-- not that he knows we're fae at all.

Claude's on his honeymoon (I don't ask.) and we're still doing stuff in NOLA, and I know there's some job Eric wants me to do when we get back, but it really does feel like the right decision. I just hope Eric will agree before I go. I also hope I'm not terribly, terribly wrong on this one...

Powerless

I don't think I've ever felt so powerless as I did last night.

Watching the battle against @PrinceVladTepes unfold around me while being unable to actually do anything myself was awful beyond words. I was surrounded by vampires, fairies, and a were, all faster, stronger, and far more powerful than myself, and the difference was nearly tangible to me.

I almost felt useful earlier in the day, too. When I identified all those Weres coming toward us long before they actually got near us, I felt like I was putting my gift to good use. Like I'd helped in a way only I could've. But really, I couldn't even get a clear read on them. They could've been anyone.

And then to be stuck at @RomanLucious', @ClaudeCrane's, and @MermaidKendra's hideout with @BrierFerrior and nothing to contribute and no way to get a message to @SheriffNorthman before sunset, I felt pretty helpless. That bothered me slightly less, though, because no one could do anything at that point. Claude needed to save his strength, not be pooling all around, and anything the rest of us did would've only given away the location. So, even though there was really nothing I could do, at least we were all in the same boat.

It was once I was inside The Prince's estate, sealed in by @WitchyHannah and @JadeChiara_ that I felt really powerless. Not against @DakotaARyan, of course. I probably could've taken her. But even she was a seriously costly distraction. With her making petty little threats at me and Brier while Roman and The Prince were bantering, I couldn't keep track of their conversation. I couldn't hear Vlad decide to kill me first. I couldn't prepare to defend myself.

That's pretty foolish thinking, though, isn't it? That I would've stood a chance of defending myself? Even with a silver dagger in each hand, I would've just annoyed him while he was ripping my head off. Even with vampire blood in me, I can't match their strength or speed, or even their senses. I could hardly see him coming. And even being part fairy, I don't have their powers. I didn't even know they had the powers they showed last night! So that left me, the human. Telepathy's not such a good weapon after all when you have The Prince of Darkness trying to kill you.

I'd be dead if it weren't for Brier. I say that with absolutely no exaggeration. He saved my life, and I am so grateful. There's no way, supernatural human or not, that I would have survived that hit from Dracula. In the end, even Brier didn't survive it, and he's so much stronger than I am. And had Roman not grabbed me out of the way, I probably would've been killed next, before I even knew what was happening. Sometimes I think I forget just how fast vampires are, and how deadly.

I was out of the fight after that, not that I could honestly say I was ever actually in it. The only reason I bled at all was because Dracula actually threw Roman at me. I was too focused on trying to keep Brier alive to even see him coming, but I came out of that with a pretty bad gash down my face and a pretty nasty accidental bite from Roman. That was hard to get up from, but Brier was fading, so I tried CPR. I didn't know what else to do. It gave him a few minutes, I think. I don't remember how long we went on for. It felt like eternity, as cliche as that sounds, but the idea of losing your friend after he'd just saved you… You can't imagine. I think I bled on him more than I actually helped, though. He kept choking on blood and, honestly, so did I. I don't know whose it was, probably both, but I kept trying.

By the time it was over and Roman had staked Vlad, Claude had set him on fire with lightening, Roman had drained a good deal of his blood, and Kendra had done some terrifying fae magic that ripped all the blood from his body, Brier was so close to gone, I'd almost given up. That was when the witches must've broken their circle, cause within moments, Eric was by my side. He assessed the situation, asked what happened, and started feeding his blood to Brier. I wasn't expecting it, but it didn't come as a surprise either. I can feel what Eric feels through the bond and, even if it was all jumbley, he didn't want Brier permanently dead. I didn't object, not that it would've been my place to, but I don't think Brier would've wanted to be permanently dead either. He was far too much a part of the vampire world to object to becoming one, I think. Maybe I'm wrong, but I hope not.

I don't know what comes next, for any of us. We have Dracula locked in a coffin, we're still in New Orleans, Brier will be dead for the next couple days and then a vampire, the fairies seemed pretty well tapped out. Someone has to tell @BrookeFerrior what happened. Her husband died saving me, so I should probably be the one to do that, but I want to check with Eric first, see what he says. @VampyJo and @WerepireLucian have their kids to get home to also, and that's just the basics. We don't know what the fallout from this will be. Roman apparently has a long-lost brother to catch up with, even if I'm not sure I actually trust @JulianAjax_, given how fast he switched sides. I owe my own brother a call too, since I never got around to that, but as far as family goes, I think I need to dig a bit deeper.

After my recent discussions with Claude about our family and after having met @SkyPrinceNiall, I'm actually considering Claude's advice to visit faery. Eric would hate it, I know that already, but Claude said that's the only way my powers are really going to grow. Maybe embracing that part of me, like I've started embracing my telepathy, isn't a bad idea.

I felt powerless last night. A good friend died to protect me when I couldn't protect myself. I don't know what it'll take, but I never want to be that powerless again.

Call It Hiding

So, I didn't go to @BarWithABite tonight. @SheriffNorthman's there right now, in fact, but I just wasn't up for it. Explaining it to Eric's always a bit humbling, but I'd be hard-pressed to find a more understanding vampire. I love being with him as much as possible and I know me being there has a soothing effect on him but, some nights it's all I can do to soothe myself when I'm there.

Everyone thinks I have my telepathy issues under control and, for the most part, I do. It's not so bad anymore, especially now that I'm so deeply connected to Eric. He's like a rock for me, when everyone else's thoughts come crashing into my head. I can just anchor myself to him and I don't get so lost. That doesn't mean it's not overwhelming at times, though.

Usually @Merlottes_BT isn't so bad. I'm focused enough on my job that it's not hard to block everything else out and I almost always work days, which are never terribly busy. Eric wonders why I still work there at all, but that's some musing for another time. Point is, it's not so loud inside my head at Merlotte's anymore. It has such a supernatural draw these days anyway that there are days I only see a handful of full-blooded humans. Such a change from years ago, but people've mostly adjusted now. It has been about half a dozen years since vampires came out of the coffin. I think people are adjusting pretty well, all things considered. You know, mostly.

Merlotte's isn't bad and being out in public isn't bad or anything. I've had plenty of practice controlling all that. I prefer small crowds, but even the larger ones, people are mostly so focused on themselves that they're not projecting or even thinking too much. I'm not saying crowds are my thing or anything like that, but it's a process.

Fangtasia's my toughest spot. You'd think that with that many vampires it'd be nice and quiet, but definitely not. People's thoughts just scream at me in there. Even with all I've been training over the years, and there has been a lot of training and practice, it's still rough for me. The thoughts are loud and vulgar and overwhelmingly strong, and I have Eric's feelings from the bond to process on top of that. Being with Eric makes it better, especially when I can stay in physical contact with him, but that's not always possible, and it's not always possible to hide back in his office. I can always get a private booth, even when it's busy, but that's not much protection from the onslaught.

Really, most nights I can take it, but some nights like tonight, I just don't have the energy. Telepathy's not a switch I can turn on and off. It's a struggle all the time. I draw strength from my bond with Eric and I'm pretty good at blocking most stuff out, but it takes more focus than I have on nights like these.

I'm worried about this whole @PrinceVladTepes situation, and I can tell Eric is too. @BrierFerrior is too, and I can't even block out his thoughts sometimes. I know @BrookeFerrior isn't pleased with him being involved in this mess, and I can't blame her. Not that it looks like I'll ever have kids of my own, but if I were ever pregnant, I think I'd be worried sick about my husband charging into such a dangerous situation. As it is, I'm scared for Eric. I've watched as the Prince almost tore his head from his body. I'd die before I'd let that happen to him again, or let anything else happen to him for that matter. I can't help but think of how much everyone has to lose in this. That kind of thinking can throw a telepath's focus off real easy.

So I avoided it tonight. Maybe it was cowardly and maybe I was hiding, or maybe I saved Eric the stress of seeing me struggle for control over my own thoughts but, especially on such a busy Friday night, I just wouldn't be able to take it. Last thing anyone needs is me causing some sorta scene, anyway.

I can't wait for Eric to get home, though. I can't wait to hold him in my arms and comfort him, because I know he has the same fears I do. We're both worried not everyone will make it through this and that the wrong people will die. I can't wait to take his mind off some of those concerns, even though I share them. We find solace in each other, and if I can give my bonded even a bit of that since my nerves haven't been frayed from a night spent fending off other people's thoughts, it'll be worth not having spent the night at his side... almost.