Selfish

By now, I'm completely used to people not understanding me. @SheriffNorthman's just usually not one of those people.

He's always been the one who gets me. Even before we started dating, I always had the impression that he understood me better than Bill did. I wasn't wrong, in the end. We've always clicked that way. But I guess feeling powerless isn't something he'd understand at this stage in his unlife. He might remember, but he doesn't understand. Not anymore.

I don't think @VampyJo did either, when I was trying to explain why @BrierFerrior's death got to me so much. I'm not sure @BrookeFerrior did either when I was trying to apologize for the whole thing. Oh, no one blames me, and everyone's been sweet as can be, and I'm sure as understanding as can be, but... Brooke grew up a were-panther and JoAnna's a vampire. I'm not exactly a normal human, but I am very, very human.

Except for the part where I'm not. That tiny12.5% of me that's really not human at all. I guess that's the part of me that rails against this feeling of helplessness. Fairies aren't exactly helpless, after all. I saw that for myself during the battle. @ClaudeCrane and @MermaidKendra took down vampires with ease. Yeah, they seemed exhausted after, but they were scary as heck. I was seriously impressed, not to mention, a little jealous. I'd had no idea my cousin could do that. Of course, he told me, but being told doesn't come close to seeing it for my own eyes, and he didn't even look like he was trying that hard. They both made it look easy.

Since it's that 12.5% of me that no one seemed to be getting, I decided to talk to Claude about it. We've been talking a lot about our family and fairies anyway. It's kind of sad how little I knew about them and, I guess, myself. He told me about @SkyPrinceNiall, as much as I was ready to hear, anyway, and a tiny bit about Fintan that I hadn't known: just how old he was. Fintan was five or six hundred years old when he was murdered. Five or six hundred. And he wasn't even fully fairy. I can't say that didn't catch my interest.

The ability to captivate rooms, to influence or change opinions, to get energy from attention instead of hating it, the ability to manipulate air? Poof? Possibly more? I can't say I'm tempted by power often. I hid from it most of my life. I'm still trying not to hide from my own gift and I'm just learning about my own supernatural heritage, but I've watched more than one of my friends die, permanently or otherwise. I've lost people I love dearly. I've stood in the middle of battles and had absolutely nothing to contribute. I've been shot, stabbed, clawed, chased, gouged, sliced, and diced in too many ways to count. And you know what? I'm tired of not being able to help. I've always fought. I've never shied away from a battle since the moments vampires came out of the coffin and I became irrevocably involved with them, and I've come out okay each time. I've been really lucky that way. I want to be more than lucky, though. I want to be able to fight back with more than a knife or a gun or a shovel or whatever the heck is hanging around.

So I guess that's where Faery comes in. If I want to manifest any gifts I might have, if I want to become more fae, that's where I go. With Claude, obviously. There are complications to it, of course. I guess the perks of being more than 12.5% fairy come with sacrifice, but I never expected the sacrifice to be my bond with Eric.

From what I know, from what Eric said, it wouldn't be permanent. It'd be painful. It'd feel like his death for me, my death for him. I don't want that for either of us. We wouldn't be able to feel each other. He couldn't do anything to protect me. It's an entirely different world. There'd be absolutely no connection at all, and it'd be painful. Like losing a part of myself. I hate the idea so much, but I can't see another option.

Eric hates it too. He doesn't trust Claude like I do. I trust Claude with my life, obviously, but I doubt Eric will ever feel the same. He hates the idea. He's so angry with me for suggesting it. He won't stop me, though, because that's not who he is. He respects me more than that, always, and it makes me hate hurting him even more. But what if it were his existence on the line? What if I could protect him? It's not like it hasn't happened before. And what if it really could let me live longer? Actually live, be alive, without having to be turned? I love being alive and I know Eric loves that I'm alive. I don't want that to change anytime remotely soon. Even a normal, human lifespan wouldn't be enough to share with him. That's selfish. It's all selfish. Eric's told me so repeatedly. Maybe, this one time, I don't care though. Maybe, just this once, for us, I can be selfish.

Now it's just a matter of deciding when to go. Claude's officially the family member I'm closest to. I don't think @HorndogJason even knows I'm in New Orleans unless he stopped by for food. Even then, he'd just assume I'm in Shreveport. I don't want him to worry, though, and he's still so uncomfortable with the supernatural. He'll really get a kick out of me being more fairy-- not that he knows we're fae at all.

Claude's on his honeymoon (I don't ask.) and we're still doing stuff in NOLA, and I know there's some job Eric wants me to do when we get back, but it really does feel like the right decision. I just hope Eric will agree before I go. I also hope I'm not terribly, terribly wrong on this one...

The Truth About My Parents

When Claude showed up in the entryway of Eric's house last night, I had no idea what he was doing there. He said he had something to tell me, something I needed to know, and it was clear it was connected to whatever he'd wanted to say last night, when he was telling me about Fintan's death, before Eric came back home. He looked completely out of sorts, and even though Claude can be a total drama queen, that's just not like him. He's not usually so... distressed.

I made him some tea, he clearly needed it, and we sat down on the couch. He began explaining the differences between sky fae, like he is we are, and water fae. He said that Niall's prince of the sky fairies, and that his brother, Breandan, is prince of the water fairies. He said that their powers have something to do with that element, but that the main difference is idealogical. He said that Breandan doesn't think fairies and humans should be together or have kids together or anything like that, and that he wanted any part-fairy people wiped out. Just hearing about it gave me chills, but nothing could've prepared me for what he told me next.

He told me my parents were murdered. He said that fairies could control the flow of water, and that the flash flood that killed my parents wasn't an accident. He said my great uncle, I think he's my great uncle, Dermot, helped kill them. It was never an accident. Breandan bragged about killing them, he was proud of it.

I could barely believe it. I still have trouble understanding. I feel sick when I think about it.

Claude says I might be in danger too, from Dermot or Breandan or the others. Fintan was protecting me, but they probably killed him too, and now he's gone. He was protecting me, and I never got to meet him or thank him, and now he's gone.

Claude's protecting me now, which I really am grateful for. He's been a really good cousin, and I know he must've risked a lot to tell me all this, especially when I'm supposed to meet Niall soon. All this should probably make me more hesitant to meet him, but I just... I feel bad for him. He's lost so much family, mostly at his brother's orders. It's sick, and it's wrong, and I can understand why he wants to reconnect with what's left of his family. I can't say I feel very differently.

Eric suggested going back to Bon Temps, to visit Gran's grave and to just... feel at home for a little bit. Once I told him what happened, he was really understanding. I know he hates when I "leak", but he comforted me like he didn't even mind. I know I'm really lucky to have him, and I know I really need him. I don't know what I'd do without him.

He said he'll help protect Jason, too. That's another thing. Claude says Dermot, who helped kill my parents, looks exactly like my brother. Exactly. It's so creepy to think of, but because of it, Niall doesn't want anything to do with him, and the rest of the fairies don't either. That might mean that Breandan might not be interested in hurting him, but if he tries anything, the other fairies won't protect him. Eric could tell how shaken up that had me, so he agreed to protect him, as long as it doesn't hurt me. I can't imagine that protecting Jason would ever put me in danger, so I'm not too worried about that. It's everything else that worries me.

It's only Tuesday, but already this week is pretty depressing. I hope it gets better soon.

A Death in the Family

I thought things would quiet down once Eric and I got back from Sweden, and they did, for a few days. Don't get me wrong, Sweden was amazing. Experiencing Eric's excitement over being back there, bonding with him, seeing the Northern Lights, playing in the snow, cruising the archipelago, spending time with all our friends... it was amazing, but so is coming home and sleeping in your nice warm bed. I'm a Southern girl. I wasn't made to sleep on a bed of ice for too long, no matter how exciting my Viking finds it.

Being home has been good so far though. They did quiet down a lot, with the exception of last night. I went to help Angie decorate hew new nursery, which was really fun. We listened to Katy Perry and danced while painting, then moved furniture around like professionals. It went really well, and it was wonderful to hear how excited she is to be a mom. I know she'll be great at it. Having twins sounds like a real challenge, but she seems really prepared.

I left her house after getting a text from Claude, saying there was an emergency and he needed to see me immediately. Now, with Claude, an emergency can mean he scuffed his shoes, so I wasn't too worried, but he really did sound panic, even just from the texts. I rushed home back to Eric, who was reluctant to let him inside, but once that was sorted, he left me and Claude to talk. He's really not such a fan of my cousin, which is unfortunate, but I get why.

Claude had some disturbing news. He said my real grandfather, the fairy who got Gran pregnant, is dead. He's not sure how Fintan died, no one is, but it didn't sound like murder was an unlikely possibility. It'd be so sad if he and Gran died the same way, but Claude didn't really seem to think of it like that. Actually, he made it sound like it's pretty common, especially in our family. I don't really know what that's supposed to mean, but I do know when someone's not telling me something. Eric says my fairy family is really dangerous, particularly dangerous, so maybe that has something to do with it. I don't really know.

He says Niall's looking into it, but also that he wants to meet me. That's not such a problem in itself, unless you ask Eric, but I'm not supposed to know I'm part fairy. Claude told me in secret, because he was looking out for me, and he put his neck on the line to tell me. I have to pretend like I don't know anything about any of this, and as Eric constantly tells me, I really am an awful liar. I'll have to do my best for my cousin, though. I don't want to get him in any trouble when he was just helping me, and he really did sound scared about what the consequences for him could be if it gets out that he told me about my ancestry.

Obviously, I don't want that. Claude's family. More than that, he's a friend. He's been there for me, even risking getting into trouble in order to be there for me, to show that he supported me and what I wanted by being with us in Sweden. He was at the bonding ceremony because he knew how important it was for me to have family there, despite how obviously uncomfortable it made him. That's family.

But, as I reminded Eric when he asked if I really planned on going through with the meeting, Niall's family too. He's my great grandfather, and when I've lost so much family already, in such awful ways, I don't know how I'd live with myself if I passed up the opportunity to meet more. Besides, it didn't really sound like Niall was giving us much choice. Eric describes him as real old and powerful, so I can't imagine he's a guy we really want to make mad. If he really does just want to get in touch with more of his family after just losing his son... I get that. He deserves a chance.

Eric keeps insisting that fairies are dangerous, but I don't know about that. I'm pretty much married to a vampire, and whether I like to think about it or acknowledge it or not, he's real dangerous himself. Not to me, of course, but there was a time I was darn sure he'd kill me if I made him too angry. It's not like humans aren't dangerous either. Gran was killed by a human, and I've nearly died at the hands of normal humans plenty of times. I've got plenty of two-natured friends too, and they're not exactly a calm, peaceful bunch. Maybe fairies are dangerous, but who isn't?

Niall's not coming right to me, though. He's sending Claudia to talk to Eric, and I'm sure that'll go real well. I like Claudia, don't get me wrong. She was so helpful in giving me cooking lessons, despite not seeming like she really approved of me. She's got a real tough exterior, which explains why Niall's sending her to negotiate with Eric, but inside, I think she's got a good heart. Gran always said it takes a good heart and lots of love to bake any food that tastes good, and Claudia's a wiz in the kitchen, even if she does wear so much leather.

I don't really know how that meeting will go, though. I know how vampires get around fairies, but somehow I don't think that'll be too much of an issue this time around. Eric's got his guard up, and when he's focused on business, there's really no distracting him. He seems worried about this whole thing, and I guess if what Claude was implying was that there's this murderous fairy running around trying to kill off my family, I guess I get why, but it's not like that's anything new anyway. When isn't there some serial killer, supernatural or otherwise, running around trying to kill us all? I don't think I'd know what to do with myself if there wasn't some murderer on the loose.

I hope the meeting goes well. I know it sounds strange, but Fintan's death makes me really sad. Here's a man Gran possibly loved, a man who made it possible for me to exist, and I never got to meet him. I loved my grandfathers while they were alive, and I still love them even now that I know that Gran's husband wasn't really related to me, but I would've really liked to have gotten to know Fintan, even a little bit. Now I'll never have the chance, and to me, that's just... sad. I guess that sadness is what makes me so sure that meeting Niall is the right thing to do. It doesn't sound like he's going anywhere any time soon, but I don't want to look back one day and wish I'd taken the chance to get to know him.

Fintan's death makes me sad, but hopefully with the loss of some family, I'll get the chance to connect with more.